The Weasel and The Brain

Of Flowers and Feedback 

A few weeks ago, we talked about feedback and the different ways people give feedback. If you missed it, see it here.

When I was a child, and my mum called you into her room, you knew it was time for one of her famous feedback sessions. She would then close with an African proverb you half understood but did not dare question. One saying was incredibly confusing until I read it in English (Yes, our forefathers had a way with words). "Just as the twig is bent, the tree is inclined", or as it was said in my language, "What grew crooked when young: cannot be straightened (later)". As you may have figured out, the saying means that Somebody must correct a child while they are still young because it gets tougher to do so when they are older.

In some ways, this philosophy applies to us as we grow through the ranks. Sometimes you watch a leader and can't help wondering how they got so far up in their careers and still act a certain way. I have discovered over time that we all receive feedback through life, but we will all react to it differently. As always, my weird mind buckets my thoughts in threes, so ill share some of the ways I have seen people react when given feedback, especially the constructive kind.

The Mimosa Pudica (Let's call then the MPs)-MPs are susceptible people who perceive almost all actions as an attack on them. They break down at the slightest confrontation and cringe at the hint of any constructive criticism. Suppose you are brave enough to give them constructive criticism. In that case, they might probably cry and accuse you of attacking them or hurting their feelings. They might also say, "You never see anything good in me". They will then sulk for days after they receive feedback, waiting for you to give in and apologise for maltreating them.

Dealing with an MP can be flustering as we are usually not equipped to deal with workplace emotions. Yet they, too, deserve to be given feedback. A few tips can help you to make this easier. First, remember to affirm their positive traits and how they are doing well. Frame the feedback as a way for them to reach their full potential. Avoiding being confrontational and losing your patience or temper is vital. Prepare for all possible reactions and deal with them as they come. If they break down and cry, be quiet and allow them to compose themselves. If they break down for a long time, ask them for another opportunity to meet and finish the discussion(sometimes people use tears to end conversations). One final thing-Always give the MP feedback in private. Providing criticism in public makes them more sensitive, and they may break down to get public support.

The Venus Fly Trap(Let's call them the VFTs)-These people lure you into thinking they are interested in your feedback. They will even agree to and acknowledge what you say as you give comments until you say something that contradicts what they perceive of themselves and their work. Then, they will push back, challenge questions and put apart every one of your statements, sometimes even taking it out of context. Finally, they may shout at you or openly question your competence. One thing to remember is that the VFPs, most likely, are reacting to the fact that you are challenging their view of who they are. They will find people they believe will take their side and find ways to confirm that your feedback was wrong. If they have solid networks and can influence teams, you may walk into the office one day to find an uprising. 

The best way to deal with a VFT is to prepare before you give feedback. Focus on their actions and follow up with an email articulating the discussion. Avoid speaking around the issue, be clear, and ask for tangible commitments for change. It is hard to commit to change and then disagree with the feedback.

The Sunflower: Filled with delicious pollen-ish personalities, these people attract bee-like feedback. They spread their bright yellow petals seeking to grow and produce fruits. Their response to your feedback shows in how quickly they bring forth multiple seeds whose oil everybody covets. Who doesn't like to work with someone so multi-faceted and so productive? So, if you have a sunflower on your team, pollinate them with feedback, remembering to balance the sting and honey perfectly.  

As I wrote this article, a colleague gave me feedback on a chat group. Again I will write as she wrote it. "If you send Brendah a special message and on the road, on an emergency, they will take you to the police, transfer you to Luzira(Prison) and continue to Nalufenya(holding cells) before she sees it.🙆‍"

I was the day's topic as a few other people added to the feedback, and for a few seconds, I was a Mimosa Pudica. Then I flirted with the idea of being a Venus Fly Trap. However, I remembered a Nigerian saying that always puts me in my place, "No matter how hot your anger is, it cannot cook yams". So I chose to be a sunflower and acknowledge the feedback.

I shall stop here and check my phone for missed calls 😅. However, as I leave, I will leave you with one thought- what feedback are you attracting?